Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 21 January 2025
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 21 January 2025 |
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
f you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
A man wakes up one morning to...
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
A Great Salesman
A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me.
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”
Donald is moving into the White House later this month.
Church Sign Chuckles
Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
More Hilarious Al Gore Quotes And Blunders
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore
JB Smoove: Sound System
I did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white. 
Jordan Rubin: New Cell Phone
You ever get a new cell phone and youre too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people? 
Ben Bailey: Slow People in the Subway
The thing I hate the most about the subway is every time I get off the train and Im trying to get out of the station and back up to the street, I end up getting stuck behind these really slow people on the stairs. It happens to me every time I take the subway. Its been happening to me for years. And my question is this: how the hell do they keep beating me to the stairway? I fall too fast...
I fall too fast, crash too hard, forgive too easy, and care too much. Natasha Leggero: Boston Blackout
This girl comes up to me with this thick Boston accent and shes like, Hey, youve seriously never woke up at a party and some guy was inside you? I never woke up at a party. Rescued on a Desert Island
A man has been stuck on a desert island for 10 years
when he notices an unusual speck in the distance.
“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.
As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf, is a beautiful blonde woman wearing scuba gear and a wet suit.
She approaches the man, who can’t believe his eyes.
“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” she asks the man.
“It’s been 10 years,” he replies.
With that, the woman reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of cigarettes.
The man takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.
“Man, that is good!” he says.
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” the woman asks.
Trembling, the castaway explains that it’s also been 10 years.
Sure enough, the woman reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a flask.
The man opens it and takes a swig.
“This is the best day of my life,” he says.
The woman starts unzipping her long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and looks at the man seductively.
“How long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” she cheekily asks.
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs.
“Dear lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got a Playstation in there!”
Alternative ending:
Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Alternative ending:
Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?
Alternative ending:
Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got Internet?
Many similar jokes to this one online, with alternative punchline and a bit altered text, oldest one found on http://www.mnscuba.com , Scuba Jokes Forum page, posted by Punky Offline on February 25th 2003
