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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 30 January 2025

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 30 January 2025

My Uncle The Umpire

Sue: My uncle is an umpire in a restaurant.
Lou: In a restaurant?
Sue: Yes. When someone orders pancakes, he yells, “Batter up!”

#joke #short #food #pancake
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 30 January 2021
  • Currently 4.27/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (15)

Your Wife Just Fell Out

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 January 2017
  • Currently 9.13/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (78)

Christmas Present

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 30 January 2010
  • Currently 4.24/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (74)

Little Johnny is taking a show...

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
#joke #food #breakfast #mother #mom #father
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 January 2009
  • Currently 5.56/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (73)

A man went to his lawyer and t...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 January 2017
  • Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (71)

I Want To Buy A Golf Ball

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
#joke #blonde #sport #golf #golfer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 30 January 2010
  • Currently 4.87/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (47)

31 of the funniest jokes and best one-liners from comedians

Tim Vine Jokes and Oneliners:

1. “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
2. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”
3. “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”
4. “This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
5. “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”
6. “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
7. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
8. “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”
9. “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
10. “I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”
11. “Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”
12. “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
13. “My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”

Milton Jones Jokes and Oneliners:

1. “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.”
2. “My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
3. “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…”
4. “Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!”
5. “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”
6. “The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.”
7. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”

Ken Dodd Jokes and Oneliners:

1. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
2. “I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seashore.”

Miscellaneous Authors:

1. "The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast." - Demetri Martin
2. "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time." - Tom Ward
3. "My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round." - Sarah Millican
4. "Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antolpolski
5. "Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door." - Bill Bailey
6. "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any." - Tommy Cooper
7. "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen
8. "A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay
9. "Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.’" - Harry Hill

#joke #policeman #newyear #animal #monkey #hedgehog #bee #food #carrot #rice
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 October 2023
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

Rude Wife

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude to me.
She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 May 2023
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

Paying attention to those talking to you

Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you. There is an app for that- It's called respect.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 July 2015
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

I never wear...

I never wear a Halloween costume... I'm a character all year long!
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 October 2015
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

How Much

Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?

"Five bucks, sir."

"And how much for my suitcase?"

"No charge for the suitcase, sir."

"Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 October 2013
  • Currently 6.09/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (11)

Come On Mister

A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.
The tailor says, "You can't be in here with no clothes on!"
The man says, "Come on mister, cut me some slacks?"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 May 2023
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Money

Money only impresses lazy girls. When a woman works hard, a man with money is just a bonus, not a ladder to upgrade.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 June 2015
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Letter to a Nosey Mom

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit, so you can know your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!  

#joke #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 May 2023
  • Currently 9.22/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (18)

Does an executioner who gets nervous ...

Does an executioner who gets nervous about sending an aristocrat to the gallows suffer from performance hang-society?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 February 2020
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

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