Popular jokes (15001 to 15015)

The Brella Inventor

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it brella...
But he hesitated.

How do Jewish tourists relax i

How do Jewish tourists relax in Moscow? With a Russia sauna.

Two cannibals

There are two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says, 'Does this taste funny to you?!'

Two Martians landed on a corne

Two Martians landed on a corner with a traffic light.
"I saw her first," one Martian said.
"So what?" said the other. "I'm the one she winked at."

the blonde and the b

there was a boy who liked a blonde and so one day he finally got the courage to ask her out. he said "would you go out with me?"

she looked confused and said "where we going?"

 Business One-liners 106

Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
Conway's Law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on; this person must be fired. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Cooke's Law: In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.

The server at the restaurant t

The server at the restaurant told such awful jokes, it was torture. I wanted him charged with waiterboreding

Household Physics

Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

Ukulele needed tuning

“The mountaineer's ukulele needed tuning for the altitude on Mt Everest because it was a little highly strung.”

The Verge

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'

mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name

was?"

A little kid said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about

The Verge 'n' Mary."

Picture menu....

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and they told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and the answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

“To the artificial ra

“To the artificial rainmakers every cloud has a silver iodide lining!”

Q: If you have 13 apples in on

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

Bill and his wife, Sherry, get

Bill and his wife, Sherry, get along just great, except that Bill complains Sherry is a "backseat driver" second to none.
After years of putting up with her pestering, Bill finally decided he'd had enough and advised Sherry that he would no longer drive with her in the car.
Later that day, on his way home from work, Bill's cell phone rang as he was merging onto a freeway. It was Sherry calling.
By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind him. "Honey," she said sweetly, "your turn signal is still on. And turn on your lights; it's starting to rain."

Classic Booty Call... CPR

I hope you know CPR, 'cause you're taking my breath away!