Popular jokes (14986 to 15000)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Horse country
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this said, "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Two men were fishing...
Two men were fishing. They found a bottle floating on the water, retrieved it, rubbed it, and a genie popped out.
"I'll grant each of you one wish," said the genie.
The first man wished for a new fishing boat, all decked out, complete with outboard, the whole nine yards. Poof! New boat!
The second man wished for the lake to be turned into beer. Poof! The lake is now made of beer.
"You dummy!" exclaimed the first man. "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!"
Drunk driver?
A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.
The cop was dumbfounded.
'This equipment must be broken,' exclaimed the policeman.
'I doubt it,' said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
Redneck quickies 6
You might be a Redneck if...Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You picked your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
A local millionare was asked t...
A local millionare was asked to give a speech at a high school about how he had made his way in the world.At the end of the speech, he stated, "When I came to this town, I had all my possessions inside a neck scarf tied to a pole over my shoulder. Now look at me! Thanks to this town, I now have over $2 million dollars and own a nice store. You too can do this if you try!"
The local reporter was impressed and hung around after the ceremony. Finally he was able to ask the millionare a question. "Tell me," he said eagerly. "What did you have in your scarf when you arrived at this town?"
"Hmmm," said the milliionare. "Well, I had $500,000 in cash and $1 million in negotiable notes."
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian to...
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red-light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams: "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams: "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
The madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink, and then she sits in his lap.
Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear: "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"
Chased By A Bear
George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush's mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs ... Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won't mention a lady's weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.
Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn't help: the bear comes closer.
They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.
"You should do it", George W. says to Cheny, "The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can't expect Mama, here, to fight the bear."
"I guess you're right", Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, "For the G-O-P!", and gets killed by the bear.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase.
"Now it's your time, mama", George W. says. "Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern."
"George!" G. W's mama says.
G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.
His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. "I guess you're right", she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.
"Thank God for my brains", George W. giggles.
But still the bear won't stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : "You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I'll take my gun and I'll blow you to pieces!!"
“Whenever the boy fou
“Whenever the boy found himself in hot water his temper would boil.”
Peter called his doctor’s offi...
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
Humor About Age
OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip
OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory
OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses
OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse
OLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gas
OLD PROSITUTES never die, they just fake away...
OLD PUNTERS never die, they just go horse
OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go to pieces
OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under cover
Looks are deceiving...
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
Man: Excuse me Miss, but were ...
Man: Excuse me Miss, but were you born in Tennessee?Woman: No, why?
Man: Because your the only ten-I-see!
Business One-liners 106
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
Conway's Law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on; this person must be fired. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Cooke's Law: In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
