Popular jokes (15661 to 15675)

One night a blonde nun was pra

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared beforeher. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of lovefor your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for thebenefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you,but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I amdoing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supportsme. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, notjust to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from theminds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could dojust for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," saidthe nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

Arj Barker: Overwhelmed at the Shoe Store

There are so many types of shoes. Theres so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there -- I find it a little bit overwhelming. Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes? Well, uh, Id like to have that option. Hopefully, theyre adjustable. I mean, Id like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.

You don't need an epidural! Ju...

You don't need an epidural! Just relax and enjoy the moment.

In Star Wars, what do terroris

In Star Wars, what do terrorists shout?

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 67

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many?
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends : If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.

On a given night, 2 death row

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted onold sparky. While one execution is in progress, the pastor administers tothe other condemned man in his cell.
"Don't worry my son", says the pastor, "as soon as the high voltagereaches your brain, it numbs all your senses, so you won't feel a thing."
Suddenly some horrible screams are heard throughout the entire cell block.The pastor immediately ask one of the guard "What is all this screamingabout?"
Not to worry pastor, we had a power failure, so we're finishing the firstexecution "by candles".

A guest at dinner noticed the

A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.
"Speak!" she said to the dog.
The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"

Fishermen are great singers...

Fishermen are great singers. They know how to carry a tuna.

A New York family bought a ran

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman, "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But, where are all your cattle?"
"None have survived the branding."

A man was driving and saw a tr

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

An old man, a boy, and a donke

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were travelling. The boy rode the donkey while the man walked.
In the first town they went to, the people all said; "How hard for that old man who has to walk!"
The two travelers heard this and decided that the boy should walk and the old man should ride.
In the next town, people whispered, "What a shame, he makes the little boy walk!"
So the pair decided that they should both ride.
In the third town, people all muttered about how cruel it was to make the donkey work so hard.
So the boy and the old man decided to carry the donkey.
On the way to the next town, they had to go across a bridge. As they walked across it, they slipped and the donkey fell in to the river and drowned.
The moral of the story is - If you try to please everyone, you will eventually end up losing your ass.

A Texan, while visiting Toront

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver, "What's that building there?"
"That's the Royal York Hotel," replied the cabbie.
"The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About 12 years," replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan.
"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre," replied the cabbie.
"Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.
"About three years," replied the cabbie.
"Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.
"Danged if I know," replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

“What do you call Bat

“What do you call Batman disguised as a pastry chef? The Crepe'd Crusader.”

“My cousin works in a

“My cousin works in a chocolate shop. He works behind the bar.”

Dead in His Cornflakes

Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.