Popular jokes (16711 to 16725)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Still perspiring with fear, th
Still perspiring with fear, the hunter told the friend back at camp, "Here I was with this thirteen-foot grizzly hot on my tail, snorting hard and out for blood. My gun was out of ammo, and the only refuge in sight was a tree whose lowest branch was twenty feet of the ground.""Do you mean to say that you actually managed to jump up and grab that branch?"
"On my way down," the shaken hunter replied.
Eating grass
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," the man from the limousine said excitedly.
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
So they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied: "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"
They Talk More
Research shows that men, on average, speak about 10,000 words per day, and women speak about 40,000.
What the research doesn’t tell you is that it’s not that women are actually saying four times as much, they just have to repeat everything that many times because men don’t listen.
Answering Machine Message 84
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
Baseball in Heaven
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there's baseball in heaven?”Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me — if there is baseball in heaven.”
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol….”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is Sol,” whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe says, “I got good news and I got bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”
Sol says, “That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You're pitching on Friday.”
Three handsome male dogs are w...
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver†and “cheese†together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.†The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.†“Oh, how childish,†said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.†She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?†“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,†blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,†said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.†She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?†The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...“Liver alone. Cheese mine.â€
Solving constipation is a matt...
Solving constipation is a matter of bran over brown.You just can't win, and he
You just can't win, and here are the reasons why:If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
“The woodcutter stret...
“The woodcutter stretched every morning before starting work. He was a limberjack.”
Answering Machine Message 240
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.
I Just Needed To Use Your Car
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
