Popular jokes (17176 to 17190)

Paging John Edward

Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow and visits a seance four weeks later. It went something like this:
Mary: "Is there anybody there? I'm seeking my deceased husband John. Is he there?"
Strange, booming voice: "Mary? Is that you, Mary?"
Mary: "Yes John, is that you?"
John: "Yes, it's me."
Mary: "How are things where you are, John? What's it like?"
John: "Great, Mary. Everyday after breakfast we make love until lunchtime, which lasts about half-hour, then we make love until dinner. After dinner, we make love until we fall asleep. It's great. I can't wait until you get here."
Mary (shocked): "Is that what Heaven's like?"
John: "I'm not in Heaven."
Mary (fearing the worst): "Then where are you?"
John: "I'm a rabbit in Florida!"

Two guys are walking through t

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this bigdeep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in thereand see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great bigrocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into thehole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determinedlook on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's arailroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT suckerin, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not asound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like thewind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running asfast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air andinto the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men andambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running likecrazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat waschained to a railroad tie."

Q: What do you do when a blond

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run because she has a grenade in her mouth.

Ticket Trouble

A minister was pulled over for speeding. As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, “Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.”
The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, “Go thou and sin no more.”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

Careful – if you kiss an

Careful – if you kiss an Irish rock star, you might get Bono.

Anyone who can sprint at the s...

Anyone who can sprint at the speed of sound tends to run a mach.

Music On the Fly

This lady I know is pretty incredible at composing music on the fly...
But one day she fell off!

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Finally, the good-natured boss

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Sam into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your uncle to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Sam. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose he's faking, do you?"

A new widow requested the epit

A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add Until We Meet Again."

What to get the wife with everything!

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"

Why did the belt get locked up...

Why did the belt get locked up?
He held up a pair of pants!

Internet purchases

If anorexic models are banned

If anorexic models are banned – it proves there is too thin advertising.

Most Italians live outside the

Most Italians live outside the capital. Romelessness is a huge problem.