Popular jokes (17506 to 17520)

“The bowling alley wa

“The bowling alley was robbed? They can't pin that on me.”

Bird it Through the Grapevine

Q: Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?

A: He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

Teacher: Billy, name two prono

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
Billy: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!

Christmas Present

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

Vaseline uses

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

An elderly man walks into a co

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!"

Baby Planes

A mo...

Baby Planes

A mother and her son were flying JetStar Airlines from Melbourne to Sydney. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because JetStar always pulls out on time, now have your mother explain that to you."

Timmy's Test Paper

Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Timmy’s test paper?”
Little Johnny: ”I hope you didn't see me either!”

After the baby was baptized, h...

After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.

"What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.

Johnny replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home... I just want her to stay with you guys."

John Heffron: Older Women

Im not saying older women are sluttier; Im just saying, an older woman isnt gonna make you wait til three in the morning cause shes got sh*t to do the next day. Shell probably have you done by 10. Shes got a meeting to get up for. Heck, if she has kids, you might get to leave with one of those cool Lunchables boxes -- get yourself a little snack pack for all the work you put in.

One Chinese person walks into ...

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to
him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the
Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."

At a BBQ a couple was chatting...

At a BBQ a couple was chatting with some guests when the marriage counseling topic came up. The wife very pompous commented; “Oh we’ll never need that. My husband and I have an excellent relationship.” “My husband was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I am listening.”

Adult jokes-Loose character

A wife was making a breakfast ...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said. "Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now!

We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful. Careful! I said be careful!

You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Don't forget to salt them! You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

His wife stared at him.

"What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Rising unemployment rate

Q: What's the worst thing about the rising unemployment rate?
A: It's harder to screw your girlfriend when her husband's always home.