Popular jokes (17551 to 17565)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Church members...
Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
A couple was having a party at...
A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."TV star Jonathan Ross has been...
TV star Jonathan Ross has been caught shoplifting in Harrods' kitchen department.Any woman can have the body of...
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a fewdrinks first.My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp asit used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body arejust prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided weget cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but theyhaven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner childplaying with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow oldbecause you stop laughing.
The Rabbi's Confessional
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to
leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend
from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The
rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest
told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little
bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the
priest are in the
confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He
says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and
sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the
priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this
week, three for $5."
“He was buried yester
“He was buried yesterday, and was deeply moved by the experience.”
“When I was referred
“When I was referred to a Dietician by my GP, I weighed the pros and cons of it.”
An attorney telephoned the gov...
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
'So, what is it?' grumbled the governor.
'Judge Garber has just died' said the attorney, 'and I want to take his place.'
The governor replied: 'Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker.'
Where Does He Work?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced,
"Nothing. He's an economist."
Speaking English is paradoxica
Speaking English is paradoxical: it often requires one to take a vowel of silence.Waiting...
Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.
"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"
"I'm waiting," Jon said.
"Waiting for what?" asked Jim.
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."
The Lackluster Limo Driver
There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer...
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Lawyer quickies 3
Q: How do you kill 4000 lawyers?A: You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
Q: What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
A: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
A: One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
