Popular jokes (17581 to 17595)

They gave my mother's si

They gave my mother's sister a speeding ticket, which hurts my fine auntses.

Two guys in an office talking ...

Two guys in an office talking at the water cooler and the subject of death comes up.

"When its my time, I wanna go in bed with a beautiful woman," says the first guy.

The other guy shakes his head. "Not me, I want go in my sleep like my grandfather."

He finishes. "Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car."

What's in Here?

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.
He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "Pantyhose!"

Speaking English is paradoxica

Speaking English is paradoxical: it often requires one to take a vowel of silence.

The Lackluster Limo Driver

There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer...
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

Visitor: So, young man, is thi...

Visitor: So, young man, is this your brother? Little boy: Yes, sir. Visitor: He's very small, isn't he? Little boy: Well, he's only my half-brother.

“Any type of criticis

“Any type of criticism would aggregate the builder including constructive criticism.”

Five Jewish Men

Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization. Moses said the law is everything. Jesus said love is everything. Marx said capital is everything. Freud said sex is everything. Einstein said everything is relative.

The Magician and Little Johnny

Mr. Magic: I can turn this handkerchief into a flower.
Little Johnny: That’s nothing. I can walk down the street and turn into an alley.

What kind of bats li...

“What kind of bats like to hang from ropes? Acrobats.”

“During the trial, a ...

“During the trial, a lawyer objected to the audiologist's testimony, calling it hearsay.”

 Reward For Goodness

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"

ATTORNEY: Were you present wh...

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

Blame For A Bad Team

Three NFL fans of a losing team were drowning their sorrows at a sports bar after the team lost yet again. The first fan said, "I blame the coach. If he developed better plays, we'd be a great team."
The second fan nodded and replied, "I blame the players. They just don't try hard enough."
The third fan thought for a moment and then said, "I blame my mom and dad. If I'd been born in Boston, I'd be supporting a better team."

“Hear about the new E

“Hear about the new EU approved pan? Apparently it isn't Greece proof.”