Popular jokes (17686 to 17700)

The Magician and Little Johnny

Mr. Magic: I can turn this handkerchief into a flower.
Little Johnny: That’s nothing. I can walk down the street and turn into an alley.

Soon after marriage, a lady's

Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"

“During the trial, a ...

“During the trial, a lawyer objected to the audiologist's testimony, calling it hearsay.”

No fee

A man suspected his young wife of being too friendly with another man, so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Won Lo Pan, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later he received this report: Honorable Sir, You leave house.

I watch house.

He come to house I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she get off train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree, look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree.

No see. No fee.

Thank you. Won Lo Pan

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Mozart Beyond the Grave

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

ATTORNEY: Were you present wh...

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

A guy goes into a drugstore to

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?"
The kid embarrassingly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him, and then yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"

A blonde male

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it", he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece."

"I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"

Submitted by Frodo

Edited by Curtis

Economist jokes-Forecast

My friend, Neesia, always forg

My friend, Neesia, always forgets who she is. She keeps telling everyone “I am Neesia.”

 Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.
Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.

A man walks up to a farmers ho

A man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, and asked the same question.
Again, not amused, she screamed at him to leave. Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door.
When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.
The man replied, "Great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

Taxi

There was a lady who took a taxi home, and when the taxi driver approached her house she told him to stop, saying, "Okay, here, here is good." Then she asked the driver, "How much is it?" And the driver replied, "Ten dollars." Then, after searching in her purse for a while, she said, "Could you please go back 500 meters? I have only seven dollars on me!"

Bird it Through the Grapevine

Q: Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?

A: He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

In ancient Egypt, pa...

"In ancient Egypt, papyrus farmers taught people the importance of reeding."