Popular jokes (18121 to 18135)

The ancient Buy-balone

The ancient Buy-baloneyians loved processed meats.

 Lightning Just Struck

As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.
There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to me?"
From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. I didn't not recoginize you."

John goes to the deli for some

John goes to the deli for some soup. After he's seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.
When the waiter comes he says, "Taste this soup."
The waiter says, "Why what's wrong with the soup?"
John says, "Taste this soup."
The waiter says, "John, you've come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you've never complained before."
John says, "Taste this soup."
The waiter says, "What? What is it? If you don't want the chicken soup we have other kinds - vegetable, Italian Ministrone?"
John says, "Taste this soup!"
The waiter finally agrees, "Fine John, fine! I'll taste the soup".
He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, "Where's your spoon?"
"Exactly," says John, "Where's my bloody spoon?"

Prior to her trip to Texas, Bu

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker)confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to howshe fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there calleda Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket overthat Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste isunbelievable!
"And I went to a real rodeo.Talk aboutathletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! Theyride horses at a full gallop, then jump off thehorses and grab the bull by the horns and throw themto the ground! It is just incredible!"
They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of thecondom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

“The boy who got elec...

“The boy who got electrocuted was unable to give a statement because he was still shocked at the incident.”

The Pope just finished a tour

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousineto the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur ifhe could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along theroadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph tosee what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his sidemirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered inthrough the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to callin."
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a veryimportant person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?"asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! Thisguy is even more important!"
"Is it the President?" asked the chief.
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as hischauffeur."

I'll Take Up Sports

The wife was telling me I need more exercise. I told her, "Well, I'll take up sports then."
She laughed and said, "Why don't you just order the sports channel on cable? Shaking your fist at the TV and yelling at the games is more exercise than you'll get actually playing them."

Life choices...

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"

Can't See It

Mom: Having trouble with your computer, son?
Son: My PC says it can't see my printer.
Mom: I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is.

Little Johnny was in class one

Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher was talking about anatomy. She held up pictures of male and female genitals and said this is called a 'penis' and this is a 'vagina'.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said his father had 2 penises.
When the teacher questioned him, he said that his father has a little one that he pees with and a large one that he brushes his mommy's teeth with.

Tying a sheepshank is

Tying a sheepshank is plain knots if you ask me.

A guy had been feeling down fo

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Wat

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying awake looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"I see thousands of stars," replied Watson.
Then Holmes asked, "And what does that mean to you?"
"Well," said Watson "I suppose it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent!"

Wrong way....

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

 Angering The Irishman

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."