Popular jokes (18211 to 18225)

As a senior citizen was drivin

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

There were four men, one from ...

There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one
from Australia.
One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, "my country is the best cause we have the great
wall."
The Greenlander said, "no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass."
The American said, "no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes."
The Australian said, "no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag."

This man comes through a door ...

This man comes through a door to the bar and slipped on a pile of crap, he mumbles and brushes himself off. He orders a drink and sits down. A few minutes later a younger man walks through the door yelling and screaming, and he slips on the pile of crap. He gets up and looks around, and then he sits down next to the older guy. The older man says, "I did that!" The younger man punches the old man and leaves.

When you tell someone off, do

When you tell someone off, do so F.U.sively.

Prior to her trip to Texas, Bu

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker)confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to howshe fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there calleda Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket overthat Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste isunbelievable!
"And I went to a real rodeo.Talk aboutathletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! Theyride horses at a full gallop, then jump off thehorses and grab the bull by the horns and throw themto the ground! It is just incredible!"
They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of thecondom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

How do you get mud off a pig?

How do you get mud off a pig? A: Use a sludge-hammer.

The Pope just finished a tour

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousineto the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur ifhe could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along theroadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph tosee what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his sidemirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered inthrough the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to callin."
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a veryimportant person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?"asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! Thisguy is even more important!"
"Is it the President?" asked the chief.
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as hischauffeur."

My friends and I exhumed a tib

My friends and I exhumed a tibia. It was quite the shin dig!

I'll Take Up Sports

The wife was telling me I need more exercise. I told her, "Well, I'll take up sports then."
She laughed and said, "Why don't you just order the sports channel on cable? Shaking your fist at the TV and yelling at the games is more exercise than you'll get actually playing them."

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

Bahá'í is a Prophet Sharing Organization.

Surgery

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

Borrowing someone's cere...

Borrowing someone's cereal is oatlendish behaviour.

Three businessmen were having

Three businessmen were having dinner at a club. When it came time to pay the check, each grabbed for it.
"It's a business expense," said one.
"I'll pay," said the second. "I'm on cost plus."
"Let me have it," argued the third. "I'm filing for bankruptcy next week."

Keep the change

An elderly couple visits their grown-up grandson one night. While in the bathroom, Grandpa discovers a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cupboard.

"I don't think you should take one of those," says the grandson when his grandpa asks him about them: "They're pretty expensive."

"How much?" asks the old timer.

"$20 a pill," replies the grandson.

"I'd still like to try one," says the old man: "Before we go in the morning I'll leave the money under the pillow in the guest room."

The next day the grandson goes into the guest room, and lifts the pillow to find $120. Puzzled, he calls his grandpa. "Grandpa, I told you the pills were $20 each!" he says.

"I know," says the old man: "The extra $100 is from your grandma!"

A guy had been feeling down fo

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."