Popular jokes (18406 to 18420)

Drinking

After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional,

Drive badly, Stop thinking, Fight for nothing

Women can do all these without drinking!

A preacher was walking down th

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

Shaun was going for his mornin

Shaun was going for his morning walk in the Dublin quayside one day when he walked past his friend, Paddy's trailer house and saw a sign that said "Boat for Sale."
This confused Shaun because he knew that old Paddy didn't even own a boat, so he decided to go in and ask about it.
"Hey Paddy," said Shaun, "I noticed the sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but you don't even have a boat. All you have is your old tractor and combine."
Paddy calmly replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

The Preacher Is Dying

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

They are stopped by the police #humor #jokes

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

 Business One-liners 91

Old programmers never die, they just abend.
On a beautiful day like this, it's hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but we will work on it.
On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never decrease.
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. - Elbert Hubbard
One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
One of those days? I have one of those lives.
One seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

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Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.

Interest rates in Japan are co

Interest rates in Japan are compounded sumo-annually.

The "car way" of telling how f

The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:
-- Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her
-- Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in
-- Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.
-- Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"

Everyone Has It!

Everyone has photographic memory!
Difference is some do not have any film.

Q: What is white when it's di

Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A chalkboard.

Something Unusual

Cop: "Seen anything unusual?"
Me: "A dolphin with a hat, once."
Cop: "I mean around here."
Me: "Nah - they live in water."

“What was the retired

“What was the retired dentist's favorite card game? Bridge.”

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

---

Not an idiot, but plays one in his life.
Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
Not done evolving yet.
Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter.
Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen.
Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.)
Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders.
Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight.
Not hard-docked.
Not inflated to 90 PSI.
Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.)
Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.

#joke