Popular jokes (19201 to 19215)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Good News and Bad News
A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that theres good news and bad news.The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, Were going to have to remove your legs.
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers.
“My friend had a star
“My friend had a start at writing some moving poetry, but gave up when he couldn't find a good rhyme for 'U-Haul.'”
Jewish Personals
Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's
try it for eight days. Who knows?
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with,
light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah
together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not
important.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get
get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha
B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva
Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast"
lane.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same
in woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No
personality.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism
of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who
will accept my independence, although you probably will not.
Oh, just forget it.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles,
Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks
non-smoker.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my
behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English
very good.
80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish
male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart
to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,
please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent,
self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing,
skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen
desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and
krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.
Answering Machine Message 196
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Really funny jokes-Directions to City hospital
Constable: “Lady, just keep standing here and you will be there in no time.”
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
One diamond short of a ring.
One dimension short of reality.
One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
One drop short of an empty bladder.
One flower short of an arrangement.
One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One fruit short of a basket.
One gene short of a full chromosome.
One goose short of a gaggle.
One handle short of a suitcase.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One inspection short of passing.
One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.
Church Signs
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!""Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
NED: Hear about the Greek mafi
NED: Hear about the Greek mafia?ED: Yeah – they always threaten to put a kappa in my ass!
NED: Didn't they murder a bunch of Newfoundlanders?
ED: No – that was the psychotic Greek fraternity, Kappa Nu Phi.
NED: What about that strange fraternity located along the Nile river, it was called Chi Rho Delta, that now wants to open a bake shop.
ED: You mean Nu Pi Delta. Once I Eta Pithere – it was too expensive and now I Omega. But it was a big dessert. I Eta Omega Pi!
NED: Well I'm getting a little tired of Nu Pi Delta, as is their sister sorority.
ED: Xi Xi Xi?
NED: That's right. And what about the fraternity for Esperanto lovers – Nu Alpha Beta.
ED: Or that sorority for fashionable fat ladies: Nu Mu Mu. My poodle got eaten there!
NED: I thought that was Eta Phi-Phi.
ED: And to get revenge on those ladies I borrowed a semiautomatic weapon. But I lost it and now it has to be replaced.
NED: Iota Nu Xi can help you with that.
ED: What about penis enlargement?
NED: Try Psi Xi Omega.
ED: Did you know dragon boat lovers are meeting at Rho Rho Rho?
NED: That's nothing. The pranksters at Tau Rho Mu stack cows one atop the other!
ED: Funny, I had a beef patty the other day.
NED: At Eta Mu Pi?
ED: Yes. Say – did you hear about that kinky lesbian sorority. Legend has it Michael Douglas' wife and Delta Burke had a fling there.
NED: You mean Delta Eta Zeta?
ED: Yes.
Brag About Parents
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"
corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness."Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CAR...
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
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Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
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Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
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How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you.
I've changed my mind.
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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We have been friends for a very long time.
let's say we stop?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
The pharmacist
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."
