Popular jokes (19756 to 19770)

Some Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.
One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Mom, how much do you weigh?

There was this little boy. He wanted to know more about his mom so he asked her,' Mom, how much do you weigh?'

His mom answered, 'Don't ask me or any other woman that question.'

He left, then came back again. He asked, 'How old are you?'

She answered yet again, 'Don't ever ask me or any other woman that question.'

He finally asked a pretty subtle question. He asked,' Mother how tall are you?' She told him to get her driver's license.

He came running back asking, 'Mom was the reason you got a divorce, was because you have an 'F' in sex?'

Piercing a Pirate

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?

A: A buck an ear.

hot dog

Two immigrants arrived in America.

On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street.

"Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.

"I dunno."

"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to

do as they do."

So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench.

One immigrant looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked, "What part did you get?"

 The Fate Of Marriages

It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce. While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice...

In court

The following questions from attorneys were taken from official court records.

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A. He said, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q. I show you exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A. That's me.
Q. Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Do you know how far along in your pregnancy you are now?
A. I'll be three months on October 16.
Q. Apparently, then, the date of conception was July 16.
A. Yes.
Q.: What were you doing at that time?

So you were gone until you returned?

Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there girls?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q. Have you lived in this town all your life?
A. Not yet.

An attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.”

Source: MarriageJokes.com

Fitting into size-19 shoes is ...

Fitting into size-19 shoes is the greatest feet imaginable.

Tolkien your language
Tolkien your language

#joke #short

Jimmy the Bulb

Q: How many old-timey gangsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: We ain't sayin' nuthin'.

“The rock climber was

“The rock climber was much boulder than his wife and decided to climb the world's tallest mountain. When asked what she was going to do with him gone so long, she responded, 'Alpine for his return and climb the walls with boredom.'”

When a man with nine children ...

When a man with nine children was asked how he handled illness among his children, he said...

"When the first born coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When the last one swallowed a quarter, I told him that it was coming out of his allowance!"

“Some students pore o

“Some students pore over their lessons, while others just give them a preflunktory glance.”

My pot belly pig was...

“My pot belly pig was running and slipped on ice. Wound up injuring a hamstring.”

A woman was waiting in the che

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

Tired of being broke and stuck

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"