Popular jokes (19786 to 19800)

“What's a lightbulb\

“What's a lightbulb's favorite movie? The Shining.”

A man appears before a judge o...

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers and then said, 'please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.'

'Because,' the man said, 'I live in a two-story house.'

The Judge replies, 'what kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?'

The man answers, 'Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.''

A man was taking it easy, lyin

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."
The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"
GOD said, "In a minute."

A few housewives were sitting...

A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"
The redhead says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to hell!"
They were shocked and asked why.
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"

Smart Blonde

Did you hear about the smart blonde? You won't either.

The unwritten 11th commandment

The unwritten 11th commandment was “Thou shalt not bray like an animal.” But it was never officially goatified.

A couple is dressed and ready ...

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

A church's bell ringer passed

A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Who was the fattest Corleone?

Who was the fattest Corleone? Freight-o.

His father sends a small boy t...

His father sends a small boy to bed. Five
minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your
chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

A blonde is on board a small t

A blonde is on board a small two seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"
Ground control receive her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."
"I'm 5"2' and sitting in the front!"

My sister is marrying an organ thief. She says she wants a man after her own heart, someone who can de-liver her from her troubles, and who'll take care of her two little kidneys after she's gone.

#joke #short

“To expectorate is ba

“To expectorate is bad grammar, because it is a spit infinitive.”

Read this question, come up wi

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right..
While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below..


Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.

Inmates Running the Asylum?

Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less

than 1000 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

*7 have been arrested for fraud

*19 have been accused of writing bad checks

*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

*3 have been arrested for assault

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug related charges

*8 have been arrested for shoplifting

*21 are current defendants in lawsuits

*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same

group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in

line. Are the inmates running the asylum?