Popular jokes (19861 to 19875)

A guy goes to pick up his date...

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

At that time, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks "great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally, the woman yells "Damn, Spot, get down before he shits on you."

USEFUL WORK PHRASES

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USEFUL WORK PHRASES


1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my
toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the
cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my
destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh
nervously, and change the subject.

Redneck Truckers #jokes #humor

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.
"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"
Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"

The Mule, The Farmer, and The Mother-In-Law #joke #humor

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

A college business professor c...

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.

"I don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.

"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

“How did school go today? a

“How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness”

One reason the Military Servic...

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

“Some students pore o

“Some students pore over their lessons, while others just give them a preflunktory glance.”

Q & A

Q. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?

A. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

A woman was waiting in the che

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

How does trial by media usuall

How does trial by media usually work?

Patio problem

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, “Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?”

The Magic Miror

Three girls live together. Melissa is a born leader and smart. Kayla is very pretty and popular. Jessica is dumb. One day Melissa says to Kayla and Jessica," I think we should get a miror." Kayla and Jessica Agree. They go down to the trift shop and Melissa see's a beautiful miror with a goldon trim. All of the girls love the miror. Melissa goes up to the store keeper and asks to see the miror. The store keeper replies, "I can't sell you that miror. There is a curse that says if anyone says a lie while looking in it they will disapear for ever!" Melissa didn't belive in this and went up to the mirror and said," I think i have the pretties shoes in this store!" And POOF! She disaperes. Then Kayla goes up to the miror and says, " I think I have the pretties shirt in the whole world!" And POOF! She disapears! Then Jessica goes up to the mirror and says, "I think..." POOF! She disapears!

The Right Place

I'm always in the right place!
Unfortunately it's always at the wrong time.

Canine Complex

A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.

“Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem,” the man said. “I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!”

“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”

“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I'm not allowed up on the furniture.”