Popular jokes (20626 to 20640)

"My uncle in Detroit tried to ...

"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years."

With a

Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Thats womyn with a Y, and its not funny!

Diamond Ring

A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.

Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."

Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"

"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."

Alphabet Letters

How many letters are there in the alphabet?
Noel, noel, noel, noel ... the angels did say...
E.T. went home.
Get rid of X. There's too many unknowns in the world already!
(Only one vowel left, or is that "Anly ana vawal laft" This may be stretching it a bit, but not unless you consider, as our good friends in Canada say: Good day, A!
And we all know that M&Ms melt in your mouth, so it's safe to count them out.
And of course, Y not.
We might as well put off using U until later in the year: See U in September
TWA just took off!!

When I Was Your Age

Teacher: "When I was of your age, I learned very quickly and was not as slow as you are."
Student: "Wow, you must have had a good teacher then, didn't you?"

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ? I dunno, why do we?

If you see someone writing wit

If you see someone writing with their finger, you should offer them a pen for their thoughts.

Two business partners, both ma...

Two business partners, both married men, were taking turns making love to their secretary. As a result, she became pregnant with twins.

On the big day, one partner congratulated the other, "She had twins," he said. "Unfortunately, mine died."

“Years of arching one

“Years of arching ones back over a keyboard can lead to scrolliosis.”

NEVER TRY & OUTSMART A W...

NEVER TRY & OUTSMART A WOMAN.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, " I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I as going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Slogans....

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom...."

Did you hear about the terrori...

Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a courtroom full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.

A small white guy goes i...

A small white guy goes into an elevator.

As soon as he steps in, he sees this huge black guy standing there. This guy was enormous. The biggest youÂ’ve ever seen.

Petrified at the size of the black guy, the small white guy momentarily freezes and the elevator doors close.

Now the elevator starts moving and the small guy, in amazement, canÂ’t stop staring at the black gay. The black guy looks down at the small white guy and says: "8 foot tall, 350 pounds, Turner Brown"

The small guyÂ’s face turns blue and he suddenly faints!

The black guy, totally surprised and concerned, picks up the small guy and gently brings him to by slapping his face and shaking him.

The small guy now starts to wake.

Still concerned, the black guy asks the small guy. "What's wrong, what happened?"

The small white guy replies, "Excuse me, but what did you say to me before I fainted?”

The black guy looks at him and says: "All I said was, 8 foot tall, 350 pounds, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'

“Is rheumatism someth

“Is rheumatism something you only hear about?”

You Grew Up in the 80s If...

-- You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still cant swim naked at night.
-- Princes 1999 was the focal point of your plans for an end of the century party.
-- You dressed to emulate either Duran Duran, Poison, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper.
-- You wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
-- You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.
-- There was nothing questionable about Bert and Ernie living together.
-- You dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny would answer.
-- Your familys cable TV box had the three rows of numbers, and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.