Popular jokes (20641 to 20655)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The bartender asks the guy sit
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
A Little Quarrel
A man and his wife started out in the car after a quarrel. She sat in the back seat and continued to berate him for his faults. In her excitement she pounded on the car door and it flew open. Several blocks later one of their neighbors flagged the man down.
"Your wife fell out of the car back there," he said.
The man looked over at the back seat. "Thank goodness!" he said, "I thought I had lost my hearing!"
Pirate visits bar
A pirate was talking to a "land-luvver" in a bar.The land-luvver noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.
The land-luvver just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.
He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-luvver asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-luvver asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"
Fashion victims? Those with ti
Fashion victims? Those with tie-dyed pants are guilty of jeanocide.Rider
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
After the eighty-three year ol
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?""Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud, "Bob, do we still have intercourse?"
And there was a hush. You could hear a pin drop...
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times... What we have is... Blue Cross*!"
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* The Blue Cross Blue Shield is a federation of 39 United States health insurance companies
What a talent....
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.
"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"
Most comedians live im...
Most comedians live improverty.In Strict Confidence
"Did you tell her that what you said was in strict confidence?"
"No, I didn't want her to think it was important enough to repeat."
The Lords Prayer
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end."And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen".
A businessman on his deathbed
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you willhave my remains cremated.""And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."
“I used to be a lifeg
“I used to be a lifeguard, but I couldn't keep my head above water.”
You Might Be A Physics Majo
You Might Be A Physics Major If...1. It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
2. The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
3. You are completely addicted to caffeine.
4. You can translate English into Binary.
5. You can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
6. You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
7. You consider ANY non-science course "easy."
8. You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
9. You have a pet named after a scientist.
10. You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
11. You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
12. You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
13. You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
14. You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
15. You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
16. You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
17. You understood more than five of these indicators.
