Popular jokes (20956 to 20970)

Someone who gets crushed to de

Someone who gets crushed to death shopping on Black Friday, aka a Walmartyr.

The only person in our town wh...

The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

There's a song about how

There's a song about how there is no yoga in Sweden. It's by that 80s band, Sven Without Mats.

The Importance of Punctuation

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
'Just where do you think you going?' she asked.
'What do you mean?' I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: 'Thanks for putting up with me. So long.'

Taking a Drunk Home

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.  A group of guys noticed his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and
take him home.

First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lives, but he kept falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they got to his house, he fell down another four times on the way to the door. 

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?

Is it true Dr. Jack Kevorkian ...

Is it true Dr. Jack Kevorkian is a die-abet-ic?

What's good for the Gosl

What's good for the Gosling…

A farmer has 200 hens, but no ...

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.

WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese!

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught-worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob-stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

After a series of tests, the 3...

After a series of tests, the 3 top candidates were chosen for a final interview with the CIA Director for a job opening. The first one's interview went really well... so the Director says: "I think you are the right man for the job, there is just one last thing you must do to prove your loyalty, here is a gun, go to the next room and shoot your wife."

The man stands up and says, "Sorry Sir, I can't do that" and walks out. The same thing happens with the second applicant. The third guy's interview went well, so he is asked to prove his loyalty to the future job in the same way.

The Guy takes the gun, goes next door. The CIA Director hears : "Bang...".. pause ...... "Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang." ..... long pause..... then a scuffle and noises...... silence. The third applicant returns to the Director's office and says" Some Idiot loaded this gun with blanks... so I had to strangle her!"

UFO

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road.
On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responded, "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."

Edward Hale, while chaplain of...

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"
He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."