Popular jokes (2101 to 2115)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Pun-Dead
Making fun of dead people is a grave mistake!MONDAY: It's fun to cook for...
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
The Ancient Egyptians were ver
The Ancient Egyptians were very scientific in all matters. In fact they even quantified their sexual enjoyment, by keeping track of Pharoah-moan production.You might be a redneck if ...
You might be a redneck if... You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
Your house has a kickstand.
You drive around a parking lot for fun.
Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
You have to duct tape your gloves on.
You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
Elephant fart
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the famers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
When people walk away
When people walk away, let them. Your future is not about people who walk away, it's about people who stay in it for the ride. Three Bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"
An old guy in his Volvo is dri...
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his car phone."Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"
One day the great philosopher...
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard aboutone of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you topass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what youare about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affairwith his wife.
Entrance Exam
A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven.An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"
The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven."
"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?"
It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, "I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven."
The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?"
The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.
Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn. He tells the Angel, "I've done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers."
The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in."
Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees. The Angel then asks him: "How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"
Sentenced me to death
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.
But he left me hanging.
By Reddit user roomierplanet, posted August 31st 2019.
Really funny jokes-Waiting in line
I am listing below a host of reasons to thank to all the hyper-markets like Wal-Mart, K-Mart, for having 20 to 25 checkout lanes and only four open at any given point of time.
- Waiting in long queues keeps my domestic brain from going completely redundant - there's so much to discover!
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 16 things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those irritating cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Daisy.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.
- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.
- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.
- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.
- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.
I've always wanted to start a company called...
I've always wanted to start a company called "Thank You for Calling How May I help You"Then my receptionist will have to answer the phone like "Thank you for calling Thank You for Calling How May I Help You, how may I help you?"
