Popular jokes (2101 to 2115)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The loan
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.40. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
The almonds
A priest decides one day to visit one of his elderly parishoners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good day, Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how you are doing."
"Oh just fine Father, come on in, and we'll have some tea."
While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says.
"Not at all, have as many as you like."
After a few hours, the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting, says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh, but dear me, I have eaten all your alomonds. I'll have to replace them the next time I visit."
Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."
Koala Bear walks into a ...
Koala Bear walks into a bar. He's disheveled and grumpy. The bartender suggests he cheer himself up by taking a trip upstairs to the brothel. Koala goes up to the room of a nice skank. He spreads her legs, sloppily eats her out then masturbates until he cums all over her. The hooker is confused when the Koala bear starts to walk away. The hooker stops him, says "Hey, you have to pay me!". This back and forth goes on for a while but the Koala still doesn't get it. Finally the hooker gets a dictionary and opens to the definition of prostitute and reads it aloud "See! Prostitute: a woman who has sex with men for money."
The Koala says "Oh!" opens the dictionary to Koala, says "Koala: eats shoots and leaves."
Ex-Girlfriend
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
April Fool's Day Prank - Mix Reese Pieces...
Mix Reese Pieces, Skittles and M&Ms into one big bowl. Ten Witch Jokes for Halloween
Q) Why do witches wear name tags?
A) So they will know which witch is which.
Q) What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?
A) Broom-mates
Q) What is a little witch's favorite subject in school?
A) Spell-ing
Q) How does a witch tell time?
A) She looks at her witch-watch.
Q) Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
A) Because there was no future in it.
Q) What is the difference between a witch and the letters "M, A, K, E, S?"
A) One makes spells and the other spells "makes."
Q) What did the witch serve her friends who dropped in at dinner time?
A) Potluck
Q) How do you make a witch itch?
A) Take away the "w."
Q) Why is a witch's face like a million dollars?
A) It's green and wrinkly.
Q) What do witches use on their hair?
A) Scare spray.
Are Blind Pilots Flying?
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Lady on the Bus
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldnt help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, The Double Mint Twins are coming and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, Logans Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, Williams Big Stick Did the Trick, and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident, I just lost it.
CASE DISMISSED!!
Money Aged Over Youth
60 may be the new 40...
But the $100 dollar bill is the new $20 dollar bill.
A man has a racehorse that nev...
A man has a racehorse that never won a race. The man says in disgust, "Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."The starting gate opens and all the horses take off running except for the man's horse which is lying there asleep on the track.
He kicks the horse and asks, "Why are you sleeping?"
The sleepy horse raises his head and says, "I have to get up at 3 o'clock in the morning."
A man walked into a bar, s...
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
A man and a woman had been dat...
A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.
"Don't worry, honey," he said.
She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.
As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Oh my!!! I thought you said your penis was like a baby!"
"It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"
A Prisoner's Last Request
Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden.He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first." 
