Popular jokes (2161 to 2175)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A burglar broke into a house o...
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a be*l he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A thin girl
I met a beautiful girl last night, but she was rather thin. I mean this is a skinny girl. You never saw anybody so thin. She turned sideways you didn’t see her. I took her to a restaurant and the maître'd said to me, 'Can I check your umbrella?'
Mel Brooks (June 28 1926-)
Picture: Kim Kulish / AFP
Two Women at the Pearly Gates
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.Woman #1: I froze to death.
Woman #2: How horrible!
Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Woman #1: So what happened?
Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunt...
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Now, I give up. You can have the duck."
Fool in love...
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
An African lumberjack
An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.
The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.
"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.
One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.
"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"
"In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.
"That's why I'm here."
Position to pray
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.
“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You're both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Gentlemen,” he interrupted, “the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole.”
The Headache Suit
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?” he asked.
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”
Can You Hear Me Now
Matt: "It's times like this that I wish I'd listened to what my Dad always said."
Jake: "What did he say?"
"I don't know, I wasn't listening."
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
A waist of money.
Two long-time golfing buddies...
Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!"On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"
A guy was invited to an old fr...
A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
