Popular jokes (21796 to 21810)

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The ci...

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions.
The forms - with such lines as, "If we can tax it, we will," - were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax.
The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called "misguided" by city Finance Director John Lyons.
Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500.
Among the lines that city officials didn't think were very funny was this one:
"Free advice: if you don't have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work."
Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.

How to Photograph a New Pup

How to Photograph a New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No,outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

Two Indians were riding across...

Two Indians were riding across the plains on their ponies. They pulled to a stop to check if they were being followed. The first one climbs down off of his pony and puts his ear to the ground.

The second one asks the first one what he hears.

The first one says "buffalo come."

The second one says "I see nothing moving for miles, how do you know this?"

The first one replies, putting his hand to his cheek: "face all sticky"

A tightwad was looking for a g

A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received a note: “thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful
Of you to wrap each piece separately.”

A teenager comes home from sch...

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

I'm surprised I'm...

“I'm surprised I'm not musically inclined because as a child my attitude was so bad that I often got my bell rung and was told to sing a new tune.”

Thing to declare

A young woman on a flight from Aukland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained. "Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully.

The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

There were three men standing ...

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to meet them and asked, "What would you like to hear your relatives and friends say at your funeral?"

The first man answered, "I am a renowned doctor, and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving people's lives and giving them a second chance."

The second man replied, "I am a family man and a school teacher. I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I made a difference in some young people's lives."

The third man replied, "Wow guys, those are all really great things, but I guess if I had the chance I would rather hear someone say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Auctions and golf...

A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.

The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"

His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"