Popular jokes (2191 to 2205)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
A waist of money.
Icing
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for the holidays. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes.
After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.
"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Timmy these are so good."
As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"
His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."
The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"
Timmie replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."
Hats
Q: What Did One Hat Say to the Other Hat?
A: You Stay Here, I'll Go On A Head"
Joke found on fashionista.com, posted on FEB 20, 2007.
Photo by Jennifer Regnier on Unsplash
The loving wife...
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Strange People Are Here
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'
'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'
Little Johnny and the lawnmower...
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does...just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.
Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to cuss at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
Once there was this man whose...
Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, "I have three rules that you mustn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules."She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, "You broke my first rule!"
He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: "You broke the second rule. Watch out."
He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. "You broke the third rule," she starts, "I'm calling the cops."
The cops came and requested a description of what happened. The old lady said, "That man is a damned rapist. He pulled down my pants, slapped my ass and shaved my pussy!"
Christopher Titus: Drunk Driving Lecture
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasnt a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master. Do not annoy me this week
Do not annoy me this week, because if you do… I'll give your number to all the kids and tell them it's santa's hotline. Where ya from, Sam?
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
A little girl and boy are figh...
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!” Christmas cracker jokes - yet another collection
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!
Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
Noël Coward!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!
What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show!
What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker!
Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care!
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!
Donald Trump's top jokes about White House chaos at Gridiron Dinner
On White House turmoil: "It’s invigorating since you want turnover. I like chaos ... Who’s going to be the next to leave? Steve Miller, or Melania?"
On his son-in-law Jared Kushner: "We were late tonight because Jared could not get through security."
On Vice President Mike Pence: "He is one of the best straight men you're ever going to meet ... he is straight. Man." Trump also said, "I really am proud to call him the apprentice "
On Attorney General Jeff Sessions: "I offered him a ride over and he recused himself. What are you going to do?"
On Kim Jong Un: "I won't rule out direct talks with Kim Jong Un. I just won't. As far as the risk of dealing with a madman is concerned, that's his problem, not mine. It's his problem."
On The New York Times: "I'm a New York icon. You're a New York icon. And the only difference is I still own my buildings."
On former chief strategist Steven Bannon: "That guy leaked more than the Titanic."
On the first lady: Trump said he doesn't understand why everyone says freemelania. He said she's actually having a great time
