Popular jokes (22261 to 22275)

A young child walked up to her...

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"God doesn't believe in atheists."

One sunny day a rabbit came ou...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.

"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."

So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

A Texan and his bride ask the ...

A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"

"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it.

If God had wanted man to see t...

If God had wanted man to see the sun rise, He would have made it come later in the day.

“His beard is so thic

“His beard is so thick, when he eats food he mustache some of it away for later.”

Bulletin Bloopers

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Rabbi in bar

A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the rest room. He walks up to the bartender, and asks "Can I please use the rest room?" The place was hoppin' with music, and dancin', till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, "I really don't think you should."

The Rabbi again, asks, "Can I please use the rest room?" Well, the bartender says to the Rabbi, "I really don't think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

The Rabbi responded with, "Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue!" Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs.

The Rabbi proceeded to the rest room, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin' with music and dancin' again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin' with music and dancin', then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the rest room, and the place is hoppin' again."

The bartender says, "Well, now you're one of us, can I get you a drink?" The Rabbi says, "I still don't understand." The bartender told him, "You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?"

I asked my family to flush the...

I asked my family to flush the toilet for me. I believe in assisted sewagecide.

 How Far To The Town?

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.
A rancher rode past.
"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
"Oh, a good two miles."
A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."
"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

An opening joke...

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

There's an old proverb t...

There's an old proverb that recommends against circumcision: Spear the rod, spoil the child.

Three contractors are bidding ...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Rhode Island State house in Providence, one from Cranston, and another from North Kingstown and the third, Exeter. They go with a State house official to examine the fence.
The North Kingstown contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Exeter contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Cranston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Cranston contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Exeter to fix the fence."

Adam was hanging around the Ga

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be awoman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, andwhen you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had adisagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passionwhenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The Diaper

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"