Popular jokes (22486 to 22500)

Why do birds fly south for the...

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk.

We have a giant squi...

“We have a giant squid to catch, so let's get kraken!”

“The cemetery is the ...

“The cemetery is the dead centre. It's where the local bodies meet.”

Your accountants letter of res

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.
Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

A cosmetics company...

“A cosmetics company had to recall its vanishing cream when many of the women using it were reported missing.”

A man is surprised to receives...

A man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news."
"Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man.
"Well," said the doctor, "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live."
"Holy Cow! That is some bad news!" the man exclaimed. "What news could be worse than that?" he asked.
"The worse news is that I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."

A police recruit was asked dur

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."

Famous Last Words

Q: What are the famous last words of a redneck?

A: "Hey ya'll... Watch this!"

Police arrested two men, one f...

Police arrested two men, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

So what if I wear jeans every ...

So what if I wear jeans every day. Don't denim grade me! Leave I alone.

Mixing Politics and Religion

The last time politics was mixed with religion, people were

burned at the stake.

Marriage is a relationship in ...

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Supervised Chinese Food

A rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in an argument.
The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).
Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon, and other treif (non-kosher food) that the rabbi could not bear to think about.
As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer."Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws, and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"
Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?" The rabbi nods yes.
"Did you see me order this meal?" Again he nods yes.
"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?" Again he nods yes.
"And did you see me eat it?" Nods yes.
"Then, rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire thing was done under rabbinical supervision!"

“My wife kept insisti

“My wife kept insisting I do macrame. Finally I shouted, 'Knot again!'”

In court to plead his case, an

In court to plead his case, an alleged auto thief listened as the judge asked the simple question, "How do you plead?"
The defendant, representing himself replied, "Before I plead, your honor, I'd like to explain just why I stole that car."