Popular jokes (23206 to 23220)

Self help...

A man walks into a book store and asks the clerk if she could tell him where the "self-help" area is.

She replied, "Of course I can, but that would defeat the purpose, now wouldn't it?"

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

A man went to the Police Stati...

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Mom: Junior, I wouldnÂ’t jump ...

Mom: Junior, I wouldnÂ’t jump up and down on the bed like that if I were you. Junior: Well, how would you jump on the bed then, Mom?

Now that we are into renaming ...

Now that we are into renaming things like Mount Diablo, President Obama wants to rename the San Andreas Fault. His suggestion, Bush's Fault.

Exam markers are just employee...

Exam markers are just employees mass grading as professors.

Q: Why can't idiots make Kool-...

Q: Why can't idiots make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't get a quart of water to stay in the envelope

If you drink too much water yo...

If you drink too much water you can insult people. It's not very pee see.

A Poisonous Wife

A man goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously answers, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

What do you get if you pour bo...

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Matt Goldich: School Assemblies

We had a lot of assemblies when I was growing up at my school, and they were all the same. Every assembly we had they would always bring in some former drug addict, and hed be like, Yeah, you know, I was addicted to drugs for 20 years, and I almost died, and thats why you shouldnt do drugs. And Id be like, Well, uh, you didnt die, and you got to do all those drugs!

While Bill waited at the airpo...

While Bill waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune.
He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: “You weigh 195 pounds, you are married, and you’re on your way to San Diego.” Bill stood there dumbfounded.

Another man put in a quarter and the computer read: “You weigh 184 pounds, you’re divorced, and you’re on your way to Chicago.”

Bill said to the man, “Are you divorced and on our way to Chicago?”
“Yes," replied the man.

Bill was amazed. Then he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes, and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again.

The computer read: “You still weigh 195 pounds, you’re still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego."

Yo mamma is so stupid, she sto...

Yo mamma is so stupid, she stopped her car at a stop sign and she's still waiting for it to turn green.

Playoff hockey is a comic r

Playoff hockey is a comic marvel. They should call it the Stan Lee Cup.

Misunderstood People

1. They speak only the Greek language.
2. They usually have long threatening names such as Bonferonni, Tchebycheff, Schatzoff, Hotelling, and Godambe. Where are the statisticians with names such as Smith, Brown, or Johnson?
3. They are fond of all snakes and typically own as a pet a large South American snake called an ANOCOVA.
4. For perverse reasons, rather than view a matrix right side up they prefer to invert it.
5. Rather than moonlighting by holding Amway parties they earn a few extra bucks by holding pocket-protector parties.
6. They are frequently seen in their back yards on clear nights gazing through powerful amateur telescopes looking for distant star constellations called ANOVA's.
7. They are 99% confident that sleep can not be induced in an introductory statistics class by lecturing on z-scores.
8. Their idea of a scenic and exotic trip is traveling three standard deviations above the mean in a normal distribution.
9. They manifest many psychological disorders because as young statisticians many of their statistical hypotheses were rejected.
10. They express a deap-seated fear that society will someday construct tests that will enable everyone to make the same score. Without variation or individual differences the field of statistics has no real function and a statistician becomes a penniless ward of the state.