Popular jokes (23191 to 23205)

Ten Things You Will Never H

Ten Things You Will Never Hear Dad Say
1. Well, what do you know? I'm lost. We'll have to stop and get some directions.
2. Well, honey, you are thirteen now. I bet you're ready for un-chaperoned car dates!
3. I like all of your friends' "Up Yours" attitudes.
4. Here are the keys to my new car. Oh, take my credit card, too. Have fun!
5. Football? You want to play football? What about figure skating, son?
6. Mom and I are going away for the weekend. Would you like to throw a party?
7. No, I don't actually know what is wrong with your car.
8. Son, let's go to the mall and get you an earring.
9. You don't need a job! I have plenty of money for you to spend.
10. Father's Day? Don't worry about that. It's no big deal!

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes

Church Signs

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

 Knock Knock Collection 174

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Teresa!
Teresa who?
Teresa green!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tex!
Tex who?
Tex two to tango!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Texas!
Texas who?
Texas are getting higher every year!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thaddeus!
Thaddeus who?
To be or not to be, thaddeus the question!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thatcher!
Thatcher who?
Thatcher could get away with it!

WHACK

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says,
"That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,
"That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says,
"When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

A man walks out of a bar and s...

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"

The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"

"No," says the bum.

The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"

Again the bum says, "No."

The man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

When seeing Swan Lake, should ...

When seeing Swan Lake, should you opt for ballet parking?

Carlos told his wife he wanted

Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. “The next day she bought him an electric guitar.”

The Serengeti is overcrowded.

The Serengeti is overcrowded. The giraffic jams are the worst.

Right Direction

"Yoda, are you sure we're headed in the right direction?"
"Off course we are..."

Walks Into a Bar... Quick Shots

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender asks, Dang, why are you drinking so fast?
The guy says, You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.
The bartender asks, What do you have?
The guy says, 75 cents.

You Might Be A Redneck If 63

You might be a reneck if...
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".

Funny jokes-Four food groups

 Waiting On A Long Line

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.
At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"
Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.
Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

The Last Quarter

The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!