Popular jokes (23836 to 23850)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Your Stimulus Check
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will are scheduled to again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
Wanna play house?
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."
He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
“Asked to repair a sh
“Asked to repair a shorted radio from the dumpster, the electrician refused to refuse refuse.”
More Hilarious Al Gore Quotes And Blunders
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore
Spock was an organ donor. R...
Spock was an organ donor. “Leave lung and prosper.“So what are your plans?
A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Going Home Early
Three women who work in the same office notice that theirfemale boss has started leaving work early every day. One
day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off
early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how
is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a
little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed
early.
The redhead is eleated to be able to get in a quick workout
at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she
goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She
quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her
husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the
door and creeps out of her house.
The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about
leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she
wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday
I almost got caught!"
Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans
10. "Read My Lips -- No New Interns"9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different
Clinton?"
7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You
Can Illegally
Contribute To My Campaign"
6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A
Job"
4. "Still Not Indicted As Of Early '99!"
3. "From Perjury To Albany"
2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My
Husband Over
It"
1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas!"
Kick the habit
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
My memory's not as sharp as it...
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be
“He tried to convert
“He tried to convert the solid to visible radiation, because he wanted to make light of the matter.”
