Popular jokes (24241 to 24255)

YOU had a zero gravity experie

YOU had a zero gravity experience? No weigh.

A blonde was on vacation in th...

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didnt want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, Damn, this one isnt wearing any shoes either.

 Story Of A Conductor

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.

"Send someone over quickl...

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

Q: Why can't idiots make Kool-...

Q: Why can't idiots make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't get a quart of water to stay in the envelope

Holding It In

Q: What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
A: A private tooter.

Bush and Moses...

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long, flowing, white robe with a long, flowing, white beard and flowing, white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."

Matt Goldich: School Assemblies

We had a lot of assemblies when I was growing up at my school, and they were all the same. Every assembly we had they would always bring in some former drug addict, and hed be like, Yeah, you know, I was addicted to drugs for 20 years, and I almost died, and thats why you shouldnt do drugs. And Id be like, Well, uh, you didnt die, and you got to do all those drugs!

Barney

Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.

Minimum Wage

A man owned a small Ranch In Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

Six months...

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

You can trust a skeleton

You can trust a skeleton. They are bonified.

Falling down drunk...

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second man says, "What are you a nut? There's no way that could happen."

The first man responds, "No it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second guy tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."

The first guy says, "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

The second man thinks, "Well why not? It works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat!'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real mean drunk."

Chuck Norris once participated...

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Routine physical

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.

“How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“Oh, about 165.” he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“Oh, about six feet,” he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

“High!” The man explains, “Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!”