Popular jokes (24661 to 24675)

Q: Why can't ...

Q: Why can't blondes be cowgirls?
A: They can't keep their calves together.

Special childrens rate...

A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear:

"Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."

Mr. Cikoch was a biology instr...

Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

How Are You Feeling?

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."

He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"

“A usurer takes lots

“A usurer takes lots of interest in his work.”

Miracle mile....

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

This garment is made...

“This garment is made out of the feathers of starving parrots. It's polypropylene.”

The boy and the bible...

A little boy opened the big old family Bible and with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!"

Being S

Being South Asian and selling a cow is Indo-fence-a-bull.

Ready… Aim...

A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign land.
They bring out the bishop first and the guard shots, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the bishop yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” When everyone looks around, the bishop runs off.
Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the priest yells, “TORNADO!” When everyone ducks, the priest runs off.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…,” suddenly the deacon yells, “FIRE!”

Policewoman

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police

cruiser pulled her over.

The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.

She asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?'

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.

She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

“Vikings were expert

“Vikings were expert mariners - you can lead a Norse to water, but you can't make him sink.”

Chelsea Handler: On Maddox Jolie-Pitt

Hes so pissed off cause he probably thought he was, like, scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime, getting adopted by this famous movie star, who was gonna rescue him from his third world Cambodia, only to find out shes gonna take him to every other f**king third world country in the world. Hes probably like, When the f**k are we getting to Malibu like you promised?

Lost boots...

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

Nugent needed legal advice, so...

Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm.

'If you're not really in bad trouble, I'll take the case,' said Gregory. 'If you're in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it.

If, on the other hand, you're not involved and want to get in trouble, my son, who just graduated from law school, will take it!'