Popular jokes (24676 to 24690)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
I am paranoid about pickpocket...
I am paranoid about pickpockets. I have nervous of steal.Wife asks husband, "How many w...
Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"Husband proudly replies, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM.
A Little Quarrel
A man and his wife started out in the car after a quarrel. She sat in the back seat and continued to berate him for his faults. In her excitement she pounded on the car door and it flew open. Several blocks later one of their neighbors flagged the man down.
"Your wife fell out of the car back there," he said.
The man looked over at the back seat. "Thank goodness!" he said, "I thought I had lost my hearing!"
“How are you getting on with y...
“How are you getting on with your exams?”“Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!”
Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Mail...
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later they came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house they went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighbors actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
To which the neighbor (who was not very computer savvy) replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
Business One-liners 23
Don't stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Don't try to have the last word; you might get it.
Don't worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they don't use it anyway.
Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.
Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
How do proctologists figure ou
How do proctologists figure out how much to bill their clients?Discontinued Jelly Bean Flavors
1. Gangrene 2. New Car 3. Burn Victim 4. Dimetapp 5. Sand 6. Taxi 7. Grandma 8. WD-40 9. Substitute Teacher 10. CigaretteFishermen Killed
Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
A group of suburban couples we...
A group of suburban couples were sitting around on a Saturday night and the topic of conversation got around to birth control tactics. One said they did this, another did that, and they got around to one couple who said they used the Box and Saucer method of birth control.When asked to explain what the hell that was, the wife said "When we have sex, we like to do it face to face and standing up but, as you have noticed I am much taller than my husband.
So when we have sex he has to stand on a box in front of me. When I see his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the box away."
“When his wife demand...
“When his wife demanded that he give up polo, he decided to chukker.”
Lightbulb Joke Collection 03
Q: How many Jo Brands does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, you give it to a bloody man to do, cos it's a piece of cake, isn't it? Well, no, actually, that expression is crap isn't it, because if you had a piece of cake, you'd bloody well eat it, wouldn't you?
Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
A: One, if you aim well.
