Popular jokes (24691 to 24705)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Business One-liners 66
If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If it works, don't fix it!
If idiots could fly, this world would be an airport.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
Was the Reign of Terror peacef...
Was the Reign of Terror peaceful? It was a blood-loss revolution, after all.Smartness
There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy." They were going to cross the Sahara Desert.The "smart guy" says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!"
Later on an hour passes.
The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated.
The "not smart at all guy" says, "I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"
How many mystery writers does
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?Two, one to put it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Religious Symbols on the Rocks
Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "And our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "And our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"
Whenever we enter a street mar
Whenever we enter a street market, I tell my wife, “Watch out, things are gonna get haggley.”There were two buddies, one wi...
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
The high price of romance!
A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.
Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.
A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:
"Dad, if you think your getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner's convention going past."
Short funny jokes-Real sign of getting old!
Wrinkled skin? No.
Thick eyeglasses? No.
Hair loss? No.
The real sign is - When you begin to love your own wife.
A special celebration...
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
Hide & Seek Crisis
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek...
Do they automatically lose because they can't find themselves?
Rattlesnake vs. Flaccid...
What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?
You can't f**k with either one.
Bad gums
There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia.The boy's mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since.
So he took his boy aside one day and told him, "Listen son, don't go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they've got teeth down there."
The boy listened intently to his father's advice.
Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone.
So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship.
He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl.
Things are going well, and they end up back at her place.
They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father's advice and shies away.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
"Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there." replied the young man.
"Of course we haven't got teeth down there!! Have a look if you like."
So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he's poking around, examining the lady's most private parts.
"Hmmmm. I don't see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Knock Knock Collection 184
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Valencia!
Valencia who?
Valenicia dollar, will you pay it back?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Value!
Value who?
Value be my Valentine?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vanessa!
Vanessa who?
Vanessa bus be along in a minute!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vanessa!
Vanessa who?
Vanessa going to grow up?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Vanilla!
Vanilla who?
Vanilla call the doctor?
