Popular jokes (24691 to 24705)

“Whenever I feel with

“Whenever I feel withdrawn, I call my bank to deposit my loose change.”

In the front yard of a funeral...

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

"The 50th Anniversary"

"The 50th Anniversary"

An elderly couple decide to

celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their

honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in

the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next

morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the

nude.

The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty

years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"

To which

he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging

in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"

Sexual harassment is a big pro...

Sexual harassment is a big problem at tap-ass bars.

A lawyer died and arrived at t...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be about 193 years old!"

New bird in town. #jokes #humor

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Despite his towering intellect...

Despite his towering intellect, Plato was a promiscuous womanizer, who inspired generations of feel lotsa furs.

Shaun was going for his mornin

Shaun was going for his morning walk in the Dublin quayside one day when he walked past his friend, Paddy's trailer house and saw a sign that said "Boat for Sale."
This confused Shaun because he knew that old Paddy didn't even own a boat, so he decided to go in and ask about it.
"Hey Paddy," said Shaun, "I noticed the sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but you don't even have a boat. All you have is your old tractor and combine."
Paddy calmly replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

“Before becoming a ph

“Before becoming a philosopher, Kant worked quality control on a vineyard. His most famous book is 'The Critique of Pure Raisin.'”

Professional soccer is the mos...

Professional soccer is the most hard score sport there is.

A little girl was talking to h...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

Q: What does a man think forep...

Q: What does a man think foreplay is?

A1: It's something that you do on the golf course.
A2: It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex.

Funny jokes-The Heart Attack Grill

Language twist

The Wedding Proposal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”
He slipped the priest the cash and walked away.
The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said,” Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.”
After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The priest slipped the $100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.