Popular jokes (24706 to 24720)

A Silent Bomb in Church

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."- Joke shared by Beliefnet member eyesoftheworld

I tried to cross a cow with a ...

I tried to cross a cow with a marsupial, but everyone said it was a possum-bull.

A defendant in a

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But, I did send them."
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

"The Massachusetts court ...

"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy."
-- Tina Fey

Student exams...

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead.

Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam.

Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

Q: She had three children, rig...

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls

Mommy Mommy 11

Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!

---

Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.

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Mommy, Mommy! Why is my hair so slimy?
Shut up, you little snot.

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Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sister!
Shut up, and keep eating!

---

Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glass eye today!

Signs Your Wife Might Be Having An Affair With Santa . . .

Instead of mailing your kids letters to santa, she just stuffs them in her bra

She smells kinda like a combination of peppermint sticks and reindeer chow

For christmas, your kids get something called "The Your Daddy SUCKS Doll"

She refers to your bed as "Santa's Workshop"

Paramedics had to use the jaws of life to jar her outta the chimney

When you ask for sex she says: "Not tonight--visions of sugarplums are dancing in my head"

Growing Old

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

“Ordering your fish u

“Ordering your fish un-filleted is the best way to be assured of bony fried red snapper.”

Several Olympic events involve

Several Olympic events involve coffee: eg. the decaflon and the java line.

"Fidel Castro is still in...

"Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition. He still thinks communism was a good idea until he was being rushed to the hospital in a '55 Oldsmobile."
--Conan O'Brien

Can't Get Any Worse

I was recently sharing with my father how bad my college football team had lost to a major rival 58-0 and that it couldn't get any worse.
Dad, in his infinite wisdom indicated, "The score could have been 65-0."

Lewinsky's Reply

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response

to President Clinton's testimony "I have had enough. This

whole experience has eft a bitter taste in my mouth, and I

can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft,

that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in

myface.

"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard,

that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in

the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the

challenge the only way I know how: head-on. "I have licked

bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one

will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a

finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work

nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean

of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. "Thank

you." Monica Lewinsky

A guy who knows nothing about ...

A guy who knows nothing about computers calls the technical help line with a problem. He tells them, "My computer says Insert disk #3 -- but only two will fit!"