Popular jokes (2491 to 2505)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Are you an honest lawyer...
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Fly spray
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.
"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.
To which she replies "No, it kills them."
Found on Fly spray funny joke - The Spoof , published on Tuesday, 16 December 2008 by Rusty
Photo by Sian Cooper on Unsplash
A guy was in a cave, looking f...
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death." Resolving to surprise her husb...
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
A man walks into a chemist's ...
A man walks into a chemist's and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?" The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?" And the man says, "No, I'll take it with me now".
Ronnie Barker (1929-2005)
Picture: Getty
Ambitions
'I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.'
George Carlin(1937-2008)
Picture: AP
When you cry nobody sees your tears
When you cry nobody sees your tears, When you are worried nobody sees your pain, When you are happy nobody sees your smile, But you fart just one time…OMG… Moving on and getting over
Moving on and getting over someone is one of the hardest things you have to do in life. Especially if it’s with someone you saw your future with. So you have to move on the right way. Get your closure from them and tell them everything you ever wanted to tell them, how much you love them, how much you hate them, etc. So you will have no regrets or what ifs. Then tell them goodbye forever. If they let you leave without a fight for you, then they’re not worth it anyways. It’s going to hurt like hell. Allow yourself to be sad. To be angry. But you have to wake up every day and continue your life without them. It’s always easier said than done. So just let time heal your wounds. This is a time for you to heal. To take care of your heart. One day you will wake up and you won’t miss them anymore. Two men were talking...
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”
At the mall
A blonde decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Woolworthâs manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
April Fool’s Day Pranks
1. Hide food in a trash can and when someone comes by grab some and eat it. 2. Put a balloon on the tailpipe of a someone’s car so it will pop when they start their car.
3. Glue the headset of someone’s phone down to the cradle.
4. Take the door knob off a door and put it back on backwards, then lock it and leave the door open.
5. Put plastic wrap around the door frame of a commonly used door.
6. Cover a toilet seat with plastic wrap.
