Popular jokes (26131 to 26145)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A fellow bought a new Mercedes...
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Chilling with the Eskimo
What do eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?
Polaroids!
Sally & Brenda
Sally and Brenda (both blondes) exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key, which was in the ignition.Realizing the mistake, Sally asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."
"No, that won't work" answered Brenda. "People will think we're trying to break in."
So Sally suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"
"No," said Brenda. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."
"Well," sighed Sally, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"
A man owned a small ranch in T
A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him."I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent."
"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the rancher.
Matt Braunger: Even Funner Halloween
Halloween not only stays fun, but gets funner -- if thats a word. Like, Halloween when youre a kid, you dress up in a costume: free candy. You grow up, dress up in a costume: drunk as balls. Its awesomeLawyers Brains
A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?"
The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
Sunday school lesson...
The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.
"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is.
First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."
The children looked at her blankly.
"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."
No response. This wasn't going well at all!
Finally a kid volunteered:
"Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus....but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
Real News Headlines 05
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Patton Oswalt: Moving America Forward
We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.A paper bag goes to the doctor...
A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill. The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he is HIV positive.
"But how can this be" he cries, "I'm only a paper bag".
"Well have you had unprotected sex in the last year" asks the doctor.
"No, how can I!?" he shouts "I'm only a paper bag"
"How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that"
"I've said to you before" the paper bag sobs "how can I, I'm only a paper bag"
"Ahhhh" says the doctor shaking his head sadly. "As I suspected... Your mother must have been a carrier"
The Antartian reported for her...
The Antartian reported for her university final examination which consisted of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall and stared at the question paper for five minutes.In a fit of inspiration, she took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she was all done, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. Her reply was, "I finished the exam in half and hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
