Popular jokes (2731 to 2745)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A Brazilian
I'm sitting in a cafeteria next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Pain reliever
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient shouted.
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.
"I can't do the gas thing!” the man protested. “The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.
"No," the patient said. "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."
During a recent password audit...
During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
No Chants
Why can’t Satan’s cheerleading squad win any competitions?
Because they have literally no chants in Hell.
Late for Work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"
Blonde Paint Job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A little girl was out with her...
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk."What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl,"and they screw you every time!"
Grandpa: boy, how many miles d...
Grandpa: boy, how many miles do you walk to school?Boy: about a half mile.
Grandpa: when I was your age I walked eight miles to school every day. Boy, what are your grades like?
Boy: they are mostly B's.
Grandpa: when I was your age I got all A's. Boy, have you ever gotten into a fight?
Boy: only two times and the boy beat me up.
Grandpa: When I was your age I was in a fight every day. Boy, how old are you?
Boy: 9 years old.
Grandpa: when I was your age I was 11
Escargot
A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs.
The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
Chuckie Chicken
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
Trying to win a Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
