Popular jokes (2776 to 2790)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Tractor Salesman
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.
And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"
Juston McKinney: Stay Off My Wall
My wife is actually a little upset with me right now because I wont approve her as a friend on my Facebook. Im like, You got every wall in the house. Can I have one wall without you popping up on and ruining it? Stay off my wall. A woman goes to Spain to atten...
A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "A Spanish girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - a Spanish girl!!"
"Oh, that," she said "Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a boy or a girl!"
Cognitive Consideration
I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift."
But couldn't people learn to think a bit bigger?!?!
What Is A Pessimist?
What is a Pessimist?
The real world dictionary defines a 'pessimist' as an optimist with no experience.
Earth Day Joke
April 22nd is Earth Day! Find a joke about it!
Two planets were talking to each other. One said, "I've been feeling really sick lately."
The other asked, "What's wrong?"
The first planet replied, "I've got a bad case of humans."
The second planet said,
"Oh, I had that once, but don't worry - it doesn't last long!"
#earthday
Nurse Jenny
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.
Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.
You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.
You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.
You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
It was the kindergarten teache...
It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champaigne?" she asked.
"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.
Free Quotes
I saw a contractor's truck that offered free quotes.
So I asked for one.
He said, "To be or not to be, that is the question."
Traffic court
A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Rosebuds
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Mike Vecchione: Private Detective School
I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my first case. 
