Popular jokes (2791 to 2805)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A Texan was taking a taxi tour...
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
Little Emily was complaining t...
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
The quickest way to a man's heart
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
Roseanne Barr (November 3 1952-)
Picture: Kevin Winter/Getty Images
Two unemployed guys....
Two unemployed guys.... are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"
Traffic court
A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Best Classroom April Fools Prank EVER
Best Classroom April Fools Prank EVER Mike Vecchione: Private Detective School
I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my first case. What are you doing this evening?
Rebecca said,"The Boss asked me what was I doing this evening."
The colleague asked, "So what did you say?"
Rebecca answered, "I said I was doing nothing. He gave me 50 pages to type!"
Who Is Calling?
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.
Meet Me For Lunch
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, 'Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?'
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, 'I guess you'd be eating alone.'
What Is A Pessimist?
What is a Pessimist?
The real world dictionary defines a 'pessimist' as an optimist with no experience.
World Book and Copyright Day Joke
April 23rd is World Book and Copyright Day! Find a joke about it!
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have any books on how to create suspense?"
The librarian pauses for a moment, then says, "Yes, but I'm not going to tell you where they are!"
#worldbookandcopyrightday
40 year curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."
