Popular jokes (31081 to 31095)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
95th birthday
“Look at ME!” boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. “Every morning I do 50 push-ups, 50 sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!”
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, “And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!”
“Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?”
Source: Good Clean Fun
Son: Dad!, Dad! I got a part...
Son: Dad!, Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband.Dad: Too bad they did not give a speaking role.
Business one-liners 16
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you.
Believing is seeing.
Better latent than never.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Beware of one who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds themself no wiser than before. They are full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Sir John A. MacDonald, Canada's first prime minister
Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.
I want to see something really cheap
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift."How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
What's the favourite com
What's the favourite comic of the transgendered? EX-men.Neck Tie Required
A guy gets stopped by the bouncer at a nightclub. You have to wear a tie, says the bouncer.The guy goes back to his car and finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around his neck, and goes back to the club.
The bouncer lets him in but warns, Ill be watching, so you better not start anything!
A group of suburban couples we...
A group of suburban couples were sitting around on a Saturday night and the topic of conversation got around to birth control tactics. One said they did this, another did that, and they got around to one couple who said they used the Box and Saucer method of birth control.When asked to explain what the hell that was, the wife said "When we have sex, we like to do it face to face and standing up but, as you have noticed I am much taller than my husband.
So when we have sex he has to stand on a box in front of me. When I see his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the box away."
Political Correctness as most ...
Political Correctness as most of us realize is the biggest joke of the century.Business One-liners 73
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
If you understand it, it is obsolete.
If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.
It works better if you plug it in.
A drunken man walked up to a p...
A drunken man walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change. The meter goes up to sixty and he says, "Hey, I lost 100 pounds!"
A young man tutored his ...
A young man tutored his sweetheart maths,
he thought of it as his mission,
he kissed her once then once again and said
"There, that's addition!"
She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action,
she kissed once and once again,
smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"
Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication,
they kissed each other once, then twice,
and said "that must be multiplication!"
Meanwhile the young lady's father
had this 'lesson' in his vision,
he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said
"Then that is long division!"
Expensive Barbie!
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Boat troubles #joke #humor
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
