Popular jokes (31096 to 31110)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
One day, a father and son were...
One day, a father and son were walking along the beach when they came across a dead seagull lying on its back.Curiously, the son asked, "Daddy, what's wrong with the bird?"
"There comes a time in your life when you die," said the father.
"Where do you go when you die?" said the son.
"Up to heaven," said the father.
"What happens in heaven?" said the son.
"God invites you into his kingdom," said the father.
"Then, why did God throw this one back?" said the son.
Those who say they can't...
Those who say they can't stop don't really know what's pause-able.The governor of a certain stat
The governor of a certain state made a visit to a particular prison. There he stopped and talked to each prisoner and listened carefully to their stories. Naturally, every one of them was innocent and they all had some explanation for how they had been framed.Finally, the governor got down to the very last prisoner. He, unlike the others, admitted his crime. "I did it. I was wrong. I deserve to be here," he told the governor.
When the governor got back to the governor's mansion, he immediately wrote out a pardon for that last prisoner who admitted his crime.
Later one his aides told that governor she thought he had made a wise decision in pardoning this man.
"Absolutely," replied the governor. "I had to get that guilty man out of there, before he corrupted all those innocent people!"
A man put an advertisement in ...
A man put an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted." The next day he got a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."I believe...
A Scottish atheist was spending a quiet day fishing in the lake when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.
As the Scotsman sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
A Silent Bomb in Church
An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"
The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member eyesoftheworld
Mommy Mommy 09
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Debbie Shea: Robbed Neighbor
Ive lived in New York for a long time, same apartment, and there are a lot of robberies in that building. And I felt so bad for my neighbor because her dog and VCR got stolen -- nothing else, just the dog and the VCR. I wonder what the burglar was thinking at the time? Hmmm, Id really like to rent a movie, but I dont want to watch it by myself....Ancient Chinese Proverbs...
Ancient Chinese Proverbs
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who farts in church sits in own pew
I Not Come To Work
Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
"To the vice president�...
"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing, the only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun." -- Bill MaherThe drunk walking along the co...
The drunk walking along the country road saw the duck hunter lying in the brush with the gun poised toward the direction of the high-flying flock in the distance. “Shay, mishter,” advised the drunk. “Don’t waisht a shot. The fall’ll kill’emLost....
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
Business one-liners 16
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you.
Believing is seeing.
Better latent than never.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Beware of one who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds themself no wiser than before. They are full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Sir John A. MacDonald, Canada's first prime minister
Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.
