Popular jokes (31201 to 31215)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
True Politicial Story
Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.
Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one."
Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one."
Christmas shopping...
It is the Christmas season and the judge is in a benevolent mood. He asks the accused man, "Well, Mr. Jones, what crime were you accused of committing this time of the year ?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early, your honor," replies Mr. Jones humbly.
"That's no crime," comments the judge. "What time did you do your early Christmas shopping?"
"Just before the store opened."
An Antartian woman came into a...
An Antartian woman came into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then she started to yell, "Yeah!" "Yeah!" Then five more Antartians came in and started to do the same thing. Then three more Antartians came in, and one of them had a Barney puzzle. The bartender asked one of them, "Why are you yelling 'yeah yeah!'?" Then one responded, "We did this puzzle in three hours and it says 2-3 years."This woman comes home to visit...
This woman comes home to visit her mother. The mother can see that there's something on the girl's mind."what is it dear? asks the old lady.
"A billionaire has asked me to marry him" replies the girl.
"But that's wonderful news, any girl would be over the moon!" exclaims the mother.
"Yes but the only problem is, that this guy will only have sex anally - I don't know what to do?"
"I see" says the mother, "that's different, you must make up your own mind."
Eventually, the girl does decide to marry the billionaire and a year later she's standing again in her mother's kitchen. Although the kitchen is in a much bigger house and both women are draped in the finest clothes and jewels.
"what is it dear?" asks the old lady.
"I've decided to divorce my husband" says the girl.
"Whatever for?" asks the old lady in astonishment.
"It's the sex. Put it this way, when I married him my asshole was the size of a penny, now it's the size of a silver dollar!"
"I can't beleive what I'm hearing!" exclaims the mother "Your husband has bought you six houses, two boats and all the clothes you'd ever want - and now you want to quibble over 99 cents!"
You might be a redneck if 54
You might be a reneck if...Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
You've ever been given a gun as a present.
Flannel is your favorite color.
You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
Leader Of The HMO
Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?'
The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.'
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.'
St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'
“When I opened the fi...
“When I opened the first snow-pea pod, one fell out and rolled under the fridge. One might say it was an escapea.”
Authorized Personnel Only
A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a Catholic church that was known for its rather “uppity†social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.â€
The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.
The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?†they asked him.
“Yes, I did,†said the man. “I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.â€
Insurance Company
A Ch...
Insurance CompanyA Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
Steve complained to his friend
Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring."Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
