Popular jokes (31276 to 31290)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
I don't like rich people
I don't like rich people. Buncha swankers.Answering Machine Message 52
"I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." "We're not home; leave a message."
Vacations were cheaper before ...
Vacations were cheaper before steamships, because cruises were always on sail.Animal jokes-Three baby unicorns
There was mother unicorn and she had 3 baby unicorns. The first baby unicorn came and said "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a daisy fell right on your forehead."
She said "Ah that's sweet."
She kissed her on the cheek and left. The next baby unicorn comes in and she said "Mommy, why did you name Rose?"
The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a rose fell right on your forehead."
She said "Ah thats sweet." She kissed her on the forehead and walked away.
Then the third baby unicorn comes in and she was like "DERREDUBUDUBJEHDK" and the mom said "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"
Ready… Aim...
A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign land.They bring out the bishop first and the guard shots, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the bishop yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” When everyone looks around, the bishop runs off.
Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the priest yells, “TORNADO!” When everyone ducks, the priest runs off.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…,” suddenly the deacon yells, “FIRE!”
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
If you ever get cold, just sta...
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.Christmas shopping...
It is the Christmas season and the judge is in a benevolent mood. He asks the accused man, "Well, Mr. Jones, what crime were you accused of committing this time of the year ?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early, your honor," replies Mr. Jones humbly.
"That's no crime," comments the judge. "What time did you do your early Christmas shopping?"
"Just before the store opened."
This woman comes home to visit...
This woman comes home to visit her mother. The mother can see that there's something on the girl's mind."what is it dear? asks the old lady.
"A billionaire has asked me to marry him" replies the girl.
"But that's wonderful news, any girl would be over the moon!" exclaims the mother.
"Yes but the only problem is, that this guy will only have sex anally - I don't know what to do?"
"I see" says the mother, "that's different, you must make up your own mind."
Eventually, the girl does decide to marry the billionaire and a year later she's standing again in her mother's kitchen. Although the kitchen is in a much bigger house and both women are draped in the finest clothes and jewels.
"what is it dear?" asks the old lady.
"I've decided to divorce my husband" says the girl.
"Whatever for?" asks the old lady in astonishment.
"It's the sex. Put it this way, when I married him my asshole was the size of a penny, now it's the size of a silver dollar!"
"I can't beleive what I'm hearing!" exclaims the mother "Your husband has bought you six houses, two boats and all the clothes you'd ever want - and now you want to quibble over 99 cents!"
You might be a redneck if 54
You might be a reneck if...Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
You've ever been given a gun as a present.
Flannel is your favorite color.
You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
A shocking anniversary
A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"
The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and they make love like never before!
Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty year ago -- or any time since that I can remember."
The woman says, "Forty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified!"
Used Car
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.
