Popular jokes (31456 to 31470)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
An Antartican suddenly realize...
An Antartican suddenly realizes his house is on fire. He immediately dials 9-1-1.The fireman answers, "Yes may I help you?"
The Antartican replies, "My house is on fire, come quick!!!"
The fireman asks, "How do we get there?"
The Antartican says, "Duh, big red truck!"
Leaves of the Book
A little boy opened the big Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Business One-liners 58
Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Go where the money is.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Great minds run in great circles.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
When Mozart passed away,...
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned
on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Off target
Jeremy fired several shots at the target and when the report arrived, it revealed that he had missed the target completely in all the attempts.
Jeremy looked at his rifle and then at the target. He looked again at the rifle, and then at the target. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and pressed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, and he shouted toward the target area: "It's starting from here just fine. The problem seems to be at your end!"
Follow in my footsteps...
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
A young couple, married just a...
A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returned from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning, the husband woke up, showered, dressed and made his way to the kitchen where he saw his new wife crying.So the husband inquired, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiled his biggest smile and said, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom, and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband came home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch, and I just can't cook."
Again the husband smiled and said, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband came home, walked in the house and saw his new bride buck naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she ran, and WHOOSH! down the banister. After the third trip up the stairs, the puzzled husband asked, "What are you doing, Honey?"
She replied with a smile, "Warming up your supper!"
Mistress, prostitue.
What is the difference between a mistress, a prostitute, and a wife?The mistress says, "Are you through yet?"
The prostitute says, "Are you through already?"
The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Submitted by fairytales64
Edited by Curtis and calamjo
A postcard...
"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
A man goes into a chip shop wi...
A man goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks, do you sell fish cakes?A young blonde was on va...
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of the Northern Territory. She wanted a pair of genuine crocodile shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an crocodile.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. As he looks he sees a huge four-metre crocodile swimming quickly towards her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement as the blonde flips the crocodile on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Knock Knock Collection 169
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Statue!
Statue who?
Statue?
This is me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stefan!
Stefan who?
Stefan it quick before it bites me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stella!
Stella who?
Stella want to go home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stepfather!
Step father who?
One stepfather and I'll let you have it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stevie!
Stevie who?
Stevie on?
President Bill Clinton visits Pearly Gates
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter."It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on Earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
