Popular jokes (31876 to 31890)

Empty Beer Bottles

Q: Why did the blonde put empty beer bottles in the fridge?

A: For the people who don't drink

Knock, knock


...

Knock, knock


Who’s there?


Lettuce!


Lettuce who?


Lettuce in, its cold out here!

Guest for Dinner #joke #humor

The following is a true story.

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

“I bought a ton of st...

“I bought a ton of staples and pushpins all for $3.99, plus tacks.”

Little Johnny was in church wi...

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous.

"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."

So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door.

Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, Mom.

Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: 'FOR THE SICK'

Did you hear about the man who...

Did you hear about the man who got lost in thought? He was in unfamiliar territory.

A New York family bought a ran...

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. 
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."
"But, where are all your cattle?"
"None have survived the branding."

They dont build guns like they...

They dont build guns like they used too. Too many modern firearms show signs of shotty workmanship.

Love line

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader's table.

"For $15, I can read your love line and tell you your romantic future," the mysterious old woman said.

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said: "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" the woman asked.

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted: "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from your calluses."

Colonel Kurtz took a lot of measures to discipline his soldiers. In fact he spear-headed every one.

#joke #short

According to a recent governme...

According to a recent government publication...

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

The strip club dancer once att...

The strip club dancer once attended mass, but now she's a laps Catholic.

Warning: Very Bad Pun Inside

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.
Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

What is the difference between...

What is the difference between God and a brain surgeon? God doesn't think he's a doctor.

adies: Which of the following...

adies: Which of the following will do a better job of frightening a man away?

"Get away or I'll call the police!"

or

"I love you and want to marry you and have your children."