Popular jokes (32146 to 32160)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Three weeks after her wedding
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister."Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"
My memory...
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"
Business one-liners 43
The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it.
The other line always moves faster.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
The person not here is the one working on the problem.
The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
“The n*dist was acqui...
“The n*dist was acquitted of indecent exposure because nobody could pin the wrap on her.”
The mirror...
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldomsaw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin'around with!"
What Should They Get?
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"
Knock Knock Collection 177
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thumb!
Thumb who?
Thumb like it hot and thumb like it cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thumpin!
Thumping who?
Thumping green and slimy is climbing up your back!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Thurston!
Thurston who?
Thurston and hungerin'!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tibet!
Tibet who?
Early Tibet and early to rise!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tinker Bell!
Tinker Bell who?
Tinker Bell is out of order!
A couple celebrated their 25th...
A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."
Insurance...
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
Lepers live and die by...
Lepers live and die by the sore.The 70% off sale at the coat s...
The 70% off sale at the coat store caused quite a frockus.How Did You...?
Swami Mahahaharaj: Tickle, how did you gain all your wisdom?
Tickel Nhat Hahn: By listening. A person learns much more by listening than by speaking.
Swami Mahahaharaj: I'm sorry. What?
Clever elderly gentleman
Jack said, "I would like my grandchild to say, 'He was a successful businessman'".
Roland, the sentimental gentleman said, "I want my grandchildren to remember me as a loyal family man".
Then Jack asked Nicholas, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Well" replied Nicholas, "I want my grandkids to say 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"
Contemporary art
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
An airline ticker office in Co...
An airline ticker office in Copenhagen reminds you:WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS
