Popular jokes (3406 to 3420)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Lost....
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you!" he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
Sir Ken Dodd’s greatest jokes
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'.
Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'
I've seen a topl*ss lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.
The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'.
Author, Comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd has died 11 March 2018, at age of 90.
What is the sign of inflation?
What is the sign of inflation? - A Volkswagen with 12 Latinos in it.
Thank You, Student Loans
Thank you, student loan, for helping me through college...
I don't think I can ever repay you.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands...
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom.“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
Signs of the times....
These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny!In the front yard of a funeral home,
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'
On an electrician's truck,
'Let us remove your shorts.'
Outside a radiator repair shop,
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
In a nonsmoking area,
'If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
On a maternity room door,
'Push, Push, Push.'
On a front door,
'Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'
At an optometrist's office,
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
On a taxidermist's window,
'We really know our stuff.'
On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'
On a fence,
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'
At a car dealership,
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
Outside a muffler shop,
'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'
In a dry cleaner's emporium,
'Drop your pants here.'
On a desk in a reception room,
'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'
In a veterinarian's waiting room,
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
In a Beauty Shop,
'Dye now!'
In a restaurant window,
'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'
Inside a bowling alley,
'Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.'
In a cafeteria,
'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'
Chuck Norris once sued Burger ...
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.Would you watch my car?
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
Cowboy without a horse
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Why the sun lightens our hair...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
An old man goes into Victoria...
An old man goes into Victoria's Secret and tells the sales-person behind the counter he needs a present for his wife. "See," explains the man, "It is my fiftieth wedding anniversary and I would like to get something pretty to surprise the little lady, if you know what I mean." When he gets home, his wife asks with a scowl on her face, "Where have you been?" "Surprise," says the old man and hands her a sexy tiny teddy. The wife rips it from his hand and takes it to the bathroom to try it on. She struggles to make it fit, but it is two sizes too small. She take a long time in the bathroom and hopes her husband will lose interest and fall asleep because it is getting late into the evening. Finally she emerges from the bathroom with all the lights out. She is completely nude and pretends to model it in front of him. Her husband, still sitting up, squinting to try and see finally says, "For as much money I spent on it, they could of at least ironed out the wrinkles." 
