Popular jokes (3481 to 3495)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The Genie
Contributed by Michael Johnson
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it.
Inside was a genie. The genie said,� I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, �I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account.
POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women."
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
The Camel Joke
There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town. The guy say's, yeah. He hop's in, the driver say's, what about your camel. The guy said, Oh, he's ok, he know's his way to town. So the driver start's driving, he get's up to about 45 MPH, and he looks in his rearview mirror and see's the camel right behind him. He say's to the guy, hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us? The guy say's, yeah it's ok, he knows his way to town, speed up a little. The driver speed's up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. And say's to the guy, your camel is still there. The guy say's, he's know's the way, speed up a little. So the driver speed's up to 65 MPH. He drive's for a bit, and look's behind him, and look's at the guy and say's, hey buddy your camel he's looking pretty rough. The guy say's, oh yeah, what's he doing. The driver say's, well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out.. The guy say's, HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT,, TO WHICH SIDE. The driver say's to the left side. The guy say's, YOU'D BETTER HOLD YOUR COURSE, HE'S FIXIN TO PASS YA..!
The devil herself
A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone.
“Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the devil!”
Her husband sticks out his hand. “Put it there, pal,” he says, “I’m married to your sister.”
Would you watch my car?
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
Video Pun of the Day
#joke #short
This an interactive joke, so h...
This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, "Fine, I need a seven-ten cap for my car." The man asks," A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I've never heard of such a thing?"
The blonde angrily replies, "It goes on top of the engine and don't think just because I'm blonde I don't know what I'm talking about!!" Perplexed,the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in figuring out what it is she needs.
Reader: Draw the number 710 in the middle of the paper and draw a circle around the whole number. Now turn the paper upside down.
At The Public Pool
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
Playing Doctor
Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
A Horoscope For The Workplace
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out… MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree,” you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with “customers” so you can ” concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets.
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/”TEAM LEADS”: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.”
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Senior Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Senior Manager.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to date your boss.
gomber pyle in theat
one day gomber pyle took his girlfriend to the movies and while they're waiting for the movie to start he says honey can i put my arms around you and she says sure and he did so a couple minutes later he says dear can i kiss you passiontly and she says why not so they kiss for about 3 minutes straight so about 5 minutes later he says baby can i blow in you ear and she says o.k. so he does then he says baby can i put my finger in your belly button and she says o.k. i guess so around that time the lights go out and the movie starts and all of a sudden she screams and yells and says you bastard that ain't my belly button and he says surprise surprise that ain't my finger either.
Man of The House
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
Parents explaining body parts
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers.
“Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Great News
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."
"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
