Popular jokes (3826 to 3840)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Whiskey no worms
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.
She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.
She says "so what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He says "IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON'T GET WORMS!"
A cocky State Highways employe...
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
Greeting Card Quest
A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store.
After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, "Just what is it you're looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?"
The boy shook his head, "No."
"Then what kind of card is it that you want?" asked the clerk.
The boy answered wistfully, "Got anything in the line of blank report cards?"
Brand new Christmas cracker jokes
1. What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?
Pays her off
Voted the best new Christmas cracker joke of 2018, author:Edinburgh teacher, Michael Hughes, 37 - the winner of the competition run by TV Channel Gold.
2. Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas?
Because she’s trying to bring back Chequers
3. Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play?
No prophet
4. What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas?
Their silence
5. When do sheep practice their new dance?
While shepherds watched them floss by night
6. What’s the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born?
The stable has had some wise men in it
7. Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much?
She’s always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes
8. What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas?
Suits
9. Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett’s Christmas Party?
She misjudged the strength of the punch
10. Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?
Because Kanye is Trump’s favourite wrapper
11. What’s the biggest complaint about Network Rail’s Christmas seasoning?
They keep changing the thyme
12. Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year?
Because he’s tired of being in the single market
13. What’s the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas?
Harry and Meghan’s wedding preacher
14. What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey?
Shred sauce
Jokes seen first on:https://www.independent.ie/I went to a creepy d...
“I went to a creepy dermatologist the other day. He made my skin crawl.”
Dan St. Germain: Too Lazy to Kill
I could never be a serial killer because Im way too lazy to follow a pattern. I used to murder women that look like Grandmother but now -- mostly delivery men. Lawyers On A Flight
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
Vatican Fried Chicken
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
No better feeling
There's no better feeling than going to bed at night and not having to set an alarm for tomorrow! A trucker who has been out on...
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick."
Marry a Teacher
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, Nurses are known to be hot to trot.
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, Telephone operators have sexy voices.
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, Poor guy, teachers are frigid.
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurses husband. He sourly says, Dont ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was Youre not sanitary, youre not sanitary.
Then, the telephone operators husband calls and sourly says, Dont ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.
Later that afternoon, the teachers husband calls and happily says, When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was We are going to do this over and over until we get right.
Empire of constipated software
Who made a fortune with his empire of constipated software?
Bilge Ates.
First Thing to do after Jail
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
